The underbelly

Usually I try to keep my blog lighthearted and fun, but having been around the game for so many years, it is an unfortunate truth that there is a seedy, dark side to hockey, and people don't like to talk about it.

This summer, three hockey players (two current, one retired) all died. This in an off-season that started with riots in Vancouver over the Cup Loss. There are a few things I want to address.

If you have not read Theo Fleury's book "Playing With Fire" go and get yourself to the nearest store and pick up a copy. It's now available in paperback, I bought mine at Superstore for about 15$ ... this book will open your mind to some of the things players go through.

The second thing I want to address is the use of painkillers. Not many people want to talk about this. I do. If you've ever been high on painkillers, you know how it feels. If you've ever mixed them with booze, you know how messed up you get and how quickly. In a little microcosm of society like hockey where drinking is not only encouraged, it's pretty much manditory, taking these little pills can turn from regular scary to a quick way to get yourself killed.

It was revealed that the first hockey player who died this summer, Derek Boogaard, succumbed to the toxic combination. When you start taking any kind of pain pills, which pro athletes do, to minimize pain and maximize performance, it's not hard to find yourself craving the next one. The feeling of wellbeing that comes from the drug doesn't come as easily as it once did ... and you need more and more to get the feeling back.

When I talked to my dad about this last night, I told him about one night when I was partying with some of my hockey player friends, and how messed up one guy was on painkillers, the first thing he said is, "Where did he get them from?" Wouldn't someone notice? He got them from his teammate. I asked his teammate, who is my friend (I had just met the other guy that evening) "Does he always do that?" and he quietly said, "yes."

"Sorry for partying!" said the drunk teammate.

Not only are painkillers a way to displace what physically ails you, they're a great way to get your mind off all the things that are bothering you. Like in the above players' instance, being sent down to the minors, making about one tenth of the salary he was making in the show, being a healthy scratch in the AHL, and debating the merits of signing a contract in Europe or the KHL. He decided to go to bed, took a piss in the bathtub and passed out. Wearing a too-small jacket he had taken off a stool at the bar. My friend and I looked at each other. He shrugged.

"We played together in junior," he explained. I nodded. I wanted to ask, why is he like that. But a tough guy like him, missing some teeth and that wild look in his eye, just seemed like another journeyman goon, trying to hold on to the best thing that's ever going to happen to him.

There are a lot of things about hockey that take place away from the bright lights, shiny white ice and hustle-bustle of the actual playing. Things that are dark, scary, heavy.

I have met some truly amazing people through hockey, people I admire, respect, and some that I love like family.

Hockey apparel guru, Ger McNamee, of Gongshow Gear, wrote in his blog this morning, "As hockey players, we always put on a “tough” face and it’s considered taboo to talk about serious issues one may be facing inside.  This has to change. [...] The next time a team mate tells you hes feeling  kind of down lately while sitting beside him on a bus after a game – don’t go tell your team mates so you they chirp him about being “depressed etc”.  Ask him what’s up, let him know that you have his/her back on the ice and off the ice."

I am impressed and humbled by Macker's post today, and I hope that his pull in the hockey community prompts others to follow his lead. This is something that has needed to be said for a very long time, and I commend him for having the courage to speak up. As a leader in the hockey lifestyle community, I think Macker's message will go far. I already saw his post re-tweeted on Twitter by the likes of Adam Keefe -- interesting to note that he would be one to promote this, given his own history, but again, good on him, let's get the message out.

If you are involved in junior or pro hockey, you know someone who is having some kind of struggle. Guaranteed. Someone who doesn't want to say anything because they're afraid they're going to be looked at differently. They don't want to get chirped for being soft, so they don't say anything. I sincerely hope this does start to change.

While NHL officials worry about concussions and stanchions on the ice, let the hockey community worry about our own off the ice, and maybe in the future we can prevent more tragedies like these from happening.

With a heart full of saddness, I am thinking today of Derek Boogaard, Rick Rypien, and Wade Belak. May their memory serve as reminder to the rest of us that we must go forward and make change.